on love

today, the subject of love came up with someone—specifically, what it means to me. thing is, anyone that’s tried getting close to me in the last year knows how averse i am to that idea. the second someone says that to me—or if there’s a semblance of seriousness to the relationship, if we start talking commitment and whatnot, I freeze. it scares me. i associate the idea with the biggest hurt i’ve felt thus far in life, i can’t divorce it from that. in that context, love means ‘giving someone the ammunition to hurt me.’

but, truthfully, that’s pretty much a facade. that’s not what love is to me or anything.

while this subject came up, i was going back on my personal poetry blog and i came across this quote from something

“You’re wonderful for thinking I’m wonderful, but I can’t love you because you don’t love me for my flaws—you love me in spite of them. You don’t see me, you don’t even want to see me, for what I am—the ugly, pungent parts of my guts. You can’t and don’t want to tear these parts out of me while I scream. I can’t love you because you won’t defy me, because you won’t fight me when I’m wrong. I can’t love you because you don’t stand eye to eye with me and challenge me, demand of me, to be a better person.”

& it reminded me of what I actually see love as. for me, loving someone means telling them what they don’t want to hear. It means tearing into them. it means dragging them while they kick and scream. it means defying them, it means challenging them.

love means all those things to me because love means demanding someone to become a better person. why? because if I love someone, they’re going to be worth that love. if I love someone it means not being able to stand them not being or working towards being the best person they could be.

and I think, in many ways, I don’t fully come to accept/believe that someone loves me until they demand the same of me, too.

5 months ago  /  2 notes