eurgh

Preface: this is a serious post…nothing to do with k-pop or anything silly.

It’s not often that I divulge like this. Usually I hint at my emotional state cryptically; part of it is growing up in a household where emoting or expressing feelings were Evidence of Sex, part of it is, well, trust problems. I am obsessed with genuine connections, and I don’t feel like I make many of them. I’m a very honest person at heart, and it’s important to me that I don’t hold things back when interacting with someone—in particular, my ridiculousness if not the baggage that come with me.  Mostly, the baggage.

It’s not like I feel I need to tell my life story to everyone, but you have no idea how much it pains me to feel like I have to lie every time I’m asked how I am or, worse, knowing it’s asked out of courtesy and not concern or actual interest. Most of the time, people don’t even wait for an answer. Most of the time, it doesn’t seem like people listen. Just a formality. I hate that. Don’t people see that they miss things like that?

Last year, around this time, I seriously considered suicide for the first time. Most people don’t know that. After all, most people don’t know how terrible last winter was for me. Most people don’t know how much I cried. Or how I’d go out in the middle of the night to lay down face first in the snow until everything went numb. What people saw was my lack of sleep, and that sort of became a running joke. Honestly, it’s difficult not to feel resentful about that. Especially when I recall a few situations when people did catch me crying or something, and turned the other way to avoid me, or never asked me what was wrong. It just fed the driving force behind why I wanted to kill myself in the first place — “Nobody really, truthfully gives a shit about me.”

Of course, that was the depression talking and I’m in a better place now. I’m still a mess, but not that kind of mess. Mostly, I have my friends online to thank. I used to think it was sad to have the bulk of my meaningful relationships happen via keyboard, but now I feel as if these relationships have saved me, have helped me retain a semblance of sanity. I’m very lucky to have met the people I interact with, particularly on my forum, particularly a few people that I’ve met in the last couple of months. I cannot express how much that means to me. (And I apologize for much of a downer I tend to be….more on that in a sec.)

So, in a better place this December but still plenty of hurdles to overcome. Namely, school. I can’t stand it. Useless is what it feels like, because it doesn’t seem as if any of what i’m doing adequately prepares me for any type of job. I’m THIS close to dropping out. I’m almost likely not going to, but still.

Thing is, I spend entire days where I do nothing but sit in bed. I don’t FEEL like anything. I’ve never felt this stoic. Everything seems a tad meaningless, pointless. And if I do feel like doing something, it’ll be like…take an insanely hot shower, because it calms me down! But what am I calming down FROM? I can’t even say. Sometimes, crying just…happens. I don’t really know what’s wrong with me.

Everything just feels wrong. Like I’m not where I belong, or doing what I should be doing, or around the people I should be around. I was in Toronto recently and everything was different there. I felt like I didn’t have to know, I felt like I could do things and I would be successful if I worked hard enough—whatever ‘it’ might be. Not in the sense that I’d make six figures, but in the sense that I’d be happy and fulfilled.

A large part of that were the people, in particular, Zoe. I find her awfully, crazily inspiring. Drop school, go to a new country, pursue your dreams, go at it hard? Hell yeah. We live in a world of compromise. Of sacrifice. But all the people I look up to sort of went ‘fuck it’ and did things their way, on their own terms. That’s what I want to do, too.

But I can’t right now. I’m stuck here, doing meaningless academia. I’m trying to suck it all up and just finish but how is that supposed to happen when I have trouble doing basic things to take care of myself? I KNOW I’m close. One semester left. I know that. It doesn’t mean anything to me, but I know that.

All I want for Christmas is to gain strength, to have the ability to DO things. The second half of December and January are crunch time. Where I do all the work I was supposed to do this Fall, but didn’t, because I was too busy feeling like absolutely nothing. If I don’t get my act together then, that’s it, I’m too behind to actually graduate. Part of me is scared I’ll sabotage myself because that’s what I truly want, to not be here anymore.

I hope that doesn’t happen.

It feels ridiculous to say that I feel/wish I had an adult in my life that made sure I took care of myself—that I eat, that I sleep, that I do my work—because it’s obvious I can’t do that on my own right now. Not to the degree I need to be, anyway. Completely, completely ridiculous, but here we are.

FIGHTING (Just in case that was too serious or something. But it’s appropriate!)

5 months ago  /  1 note